The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
