10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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