That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
