3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
All I want is dick and wine.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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