My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
