No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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