I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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