man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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