I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
