When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
