I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
