you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
