I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
