Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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