apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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