i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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