i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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