She announced her abortion via fbk
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
