Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
