My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
