i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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