dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dick very happy bro
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
