Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Randomize
