Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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