I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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