I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
