Your mouth is God's brothel.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
