I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
