where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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