My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
