winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
