My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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