Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
