I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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