Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
