I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
