I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
