Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we made out on top of his cat.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
