READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
