Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
