I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
