just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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