if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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