I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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