According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
