I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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