i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
