Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
