ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
