Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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