i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
